Santiago Ramirez

Lieutenant Colonel Santiago D. Ramirez, PhD, is the leader of Strike Force Thicc Nixon, a former officer in the United States Marine Corps, a piece of living shit, and the current President of the United States. As a president, he is pretty much a batshit insane Ronald Reagan, but less well loved and certainly less competent.

EARLY LIFE

Ramirez was born sometime in the early 20th century, near the end of the depression and the beginning of the second world war. His dad left to fight the Japanese around 1943 and was killed there, and his mom died of a freak washing machine incident, leaving Ramirez to fend for himself and his little brother, one Dan Quayle Ramirez. He gained entry into the United States Naval Academy by pretending to be a man named Aloyisius Whiteboy, and he left with a doctorate in stupidity.

TOUR OF DUTY IN VIETNAM

Ramirez was commissioned as a 2nd Lieutenant in the U.S. Marine Corps, and was sent to Vietnam around the time of the Tet Offensive. Most of his first platoon died during the battle of Khe Sanh, save for his platoon sergeant Staff Sergeant Kettle D. After Khe Sanh, he was promoted to 1st Lieutenant and commanded a new platoon. Many of the men under his command would go on to become members of Strike Force Thicc Nixon. However, the great general majority of these men died in horrible ways, thanks to PFC Quamrad Kon screaming at the top of his lungs and betraying their position. Notably killed was Private Elbert Mateo, who was killed behind enemy lines in an airstrike called in by Ramirez. However, Ramirez lost no sleep over this, because Elbert Mateo is quite literally the scum of the earth. He was relieved of his command after this incident due to losing his arm and was awarded the bronze Star by President Richard Nixon.

AFTER VIETNAM

After 'Nam, Ramirez became depressed and lost his house, his wife, and his dog. At this point, due to his life resembling one, he gained an intense hatred for country music. But then he stopped being a faggot and went to work for the DEA.

THE 80s

During the 80s, Ramirez was sent to Miami by President Ronald Reagan to fuck up some cartels. To cope with the loss of his arm in Vietnam, Reagan gave him a robo-baguette to replace it. He was sent to Miami during that whole crack epidemic thing, armed with a breadstick, three lizards, a Colt M1911, and a copy of the Isley Brothers' "Go for your guns". This was both a bad and a good time. On the good side, there was a lot of OK music and neon signs. On the bad side, there was a lot of not OK music and scary looking hairstyles. It was at this point Ramirez grew his unholy Afro thing. He ran around Miami sniffing people to see if they smelled like cocaine. With this method, he caught 375 people involved in the drug trade and brought down the Mendellin Cartel's operations in Miami. After this happened, he was recalled back to Washington to help destroy evidence that would implicate Reagan in the Iran-Contra affair. Reagan thanked him and he rejoined the United States Marine Corps. His last tour of duty during the eighties was in Panama, where he was tasked with capturing Manuel Noriega. He accidentally fell in a ditch and broke his leg, leaving him unable to complete the mission. When he was found, the Panamanian Defense Forces decided he was a faggot not worth their time and deported him back to the US. He was given a promotion to Lieutenant Colonel around this time.

THE 90s

During the 90s Ramirez, Jack Kennedy and some other people got together and formed a gang, which they called "El Boys". The gang didn't really do much except for run around and spray bottles of Febreeze at people. This, however, did not save them from getting shot at by members of the LAPD.